Walmartagakure: The Village Hidden in Cheap Crap
by Light Warrior
Summary: The Konoha Eleven have never failed a D-ranked mission so badly before.


Walmartagakure: The Village Hidden in Cheap Crap

by Light Warrior

Author's Note to the Readers:

(MAY CONTAIN FANFIC SPOILERS)

Ok, so... I work at a grocery store, right? I'm also so obsessed with Naruto that it's not even funny, thus when there's nothing going on, I daydream about the Naruto characters doing my job. One of the first thoughts I had was, "If I could create shadow doppelgangers, I could make them work in my place and I could just relax." Running the self checkout is also troublesome/a drag because I have to watch four customer-operated registers simultaneously, so I would always think, "Having the Byakugan would make this job a lot easier." Lastly, I've always thought it would be funny if ninjas came in and started trashing the store, claiming that they were hired by a rival grocery chain. Even before I got into Naruto, I thought that would be hilarious. I would be way more stoked if it happened to WalMart than a local grocery chain though. It's going to be difficult to write expository narration in a very non-serious story like this, but I'm going to attempt prose since I'm tired of writing in script format.

One last thing: this fic takes place during the dreaded 85 weeks of filler. Sorry, Sasuke fans. Also, please forgive me if I shift between Japanese terms and English dub terms. I watch the dub primarily as I prefer things in my own language, but I acknowledge that the original is more widely preferred by the Naruto fandom. I have watched a few episodes in Japanese, though, and I read the manga regularly, so I'm familiar with some of the Japanese terms.

ACTUAL STORY CONTENT BELOW DOTTED LINE

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Three dark, vaguely visible figures jumped through the trees of Konohagakure, the Village Hidden in the Leaves. The one in front, probably the leader, had his hair pulled back into a ponytail, where his hair then spiked. Behind him was a boy with spikey hair, then a girl with short hair wearing a dress.

"Everyone in position," the ponytailed boy whispered into his headset.

"This is Naruto," said the spikey-haired kid. "I'm at Point A."

"This is Sakura," said the girl. "I'm at Point B."

"Shikamaru, Point C," the ponytailed boy muttered. "Target spotted. Let's make our move."

Each Leaf shinobi drew four kunai knives per hand, each in a space between their fingers. They then leaped from their vantage points in the trees down to a small clearing in the forest outskirts of Konoha, where a thuggish-looking man was seen running and carrying a sculpture of the Leaf Village's highly renown Fourth Hokage.

"Take this!" Naruto shouted as he tossed his kunai knives long before hitting ground. Looking upward to see the three ninjas lunging toward him, the man jumped to the side and avoided his brush with the kunai knives.

"Naruto, you idiot!" shouted Sakura upon landing as a vein bulged on her forehead and her pupils disappeared. "You just gave us away!"

"She's got a point there, Naruto," said Shikamaru with a sigh as he also landed. "Making a lot of noise kind of defeats the purpose of a surprise ambush."

"A real ninja has to make a heroic proclamation just before his ambush!" replied Naruto. "Believe it!"

"And will you stop saying 'believe it' all the time?" Shikamaru groaned. "Catch phrases are such a drag!"

"CHA! You tell him, Shikamaru!" Inner Sakura exclaimed.

Confused at his pursuers, whom he expected to be more dangerous, the thug continued running off.

"He's getting away!" shouted Sakura.

"Thank you, Ms. Exposition," said Shikamaru. "After him! And remember, do not damage the statue of the Fourth Hokage! It's a priceless work of art and our mission puts a stronger emphasis on bringing it back intact than it does on defeating the enemy--"

Before Shikamaru could utter another word, Naruto focused his chakra and performed hand signs. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu! Art of the Shadow Doppelganger!" Immediately, several Naruto clones began appearing, each in a puff of smoke.

"Naruto!" Shikamaru said nervously. "Be careful!"

"Leave it to me!" all the clones shouted simultaneously. "Ok, let's do it!" With that, the many Narutos ran after the thief.

"He's going to break the statue!" Sakura panicked.

"Let's go!" Shikamaru ordered. With that, he and Sakura darted in the direction of Naruto's clones.

Up ahead, the thief looked behind himself to see Naruto's doppelgangers, along with the real Naruto, chasing after him. "A clumsy fool like you could never hope to defeat me!" he said. "If this is the best Konoha has to offer as far as shinobi go, I should have no trouble selling this statue on the black market!"

Angrily, the real Naruto held out his arm while one of the doppelgangers began creating a vortex of chakra within the palm of the real Naruto's hand. Once it was complete, several of the clones grabbed Naruto by the ankle, then tossed him toward the thief.

"Rasengan!" Naruto shouted in a constipated grunt. "Whirling Vortex Jutsu!" Naruto's attack made direct contact with the thief, who began spinning uncontrollably in Naruto's chakra vortex. The thug was sent flying several feet, as was the Fourth Hokage's sculpture.

"Oh man, this is bad!" shouted Shikamaru.

"I'll get it!" the Naruto clones all shouted simultaneously once again. They then began leaping on top of each other's backs until they had formed a human ladder of Naruto clones. The tower of clones leaned foward, allowing the top clone to grab the statue before it made contact with the ground. However, in the process, the clones lost their balance and made a collision with the ground and began disappearing in a poof of smoke one by one. The Fourth Hokage's sculpture rolled along the ground before smacking into a tree, but it was undamaged. Naruto ran to the statue's location and held it up triumphantly.

"You see?" he said. "Not a scratch!"

Sakura and Shikamaru, both tense, sighed in relief. Within seconds however, the statue crumbled to pieces right from Naruto's hand.

"Huh?" Naruto looked at the pile of rubble. "Uh oh..."

"I'm out of here," the thief said as he ran off.

"Naruto!" shouted Sakura, who once again had a vein bulging on her forehead and no pupils. She walked over to Naruto and punched him on top of the head, creating a large lump and causing a stream of tears to pour from both of Naruto's eyes. "I can't believe we failed our mission because of you! You're so recless Naruto!"

Shikamaru sighed as he watched Sakura stomp on Naruto's fallen body, Naruto screaming in pain and trying desperately to escape Sakura's wrath. "The thief got away and the sculpture was destroyed. This is not good. The Hokage's really going to let me have it. This is such a drag!"

"You're so stupid!" Sakura shouted as she continued stomping on Naruto.

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"So you failed your mission, eh?" Tsunade asked rhetorically as she sat behind the Hokage's desk, Shizune holding Tonton standing to her right and an ANBU Black Op standing on each side of her desk. In front of her stood, from left to right, Naruto, Shikamaru, and Sakura. Naruto's entire body was covered in casts and bandages and he held a crutch in his right armpit.

"It was all Naruto's fault!" Sakura exclaimed, once again with the pupilless eyes and the bulging forehead vein.

"And this was only a measly little C-ranked mission," said Tsunade, her head leaning against her hand and her elbow on her desk. "Shikamaru, as a Chunin, you should be able to handle such simple tasks. Otherwise, I might have to demote you to Genin."

"This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't forced me to take Naruto!" Shikamaru defended. "When it comes to beat-'em-up type missions, Naruto is an expert; however, this mission required care and precision, two things that Naruto lacks."

"I'm giving you one last chance, Shikamaru," Tsunade continued. "I'm going to send you and the village's ten best Genin on a D-ranked mission."

"If it's a D-ranked mission, why do you need that many people?" asked Sakura.

"The answers are all in here," Tsunade said with a smirk as she handed a scroll to Shikamaru, who unrolled the scroll and began reading it, Naruto and Sakura peering over each of his shoulders to read as well. "Shikamaru, you must pass this mission, or else."

"Or else what? I'll be demoted back to Genin?" he asked.

"Worse. You'll be on janitorial duties in the academy for a whole month!"

Shikamaru's heart beat loud enough that the others in the room could hear it. His jaw dropped and his eyes widened as he grasped the duty that was given to him.

"Once you are finished reading the mission briefing," said Tsunade, "go find Yamanaka Ino, Akimichi Choji, Hyuga Hinata, Inuzuka Kiba, Aburame Shino, Hyuga Neji, Rock Lee, and Tenten, then brief them on the mission as well."

Shikamaru, reading over the scroll, began to sweat. "Oh no. Please, anything but this!"

"This is your last chance, Shikamaru," Tsunade said while still smirking.

"I've been on less troublesome A-ranked missions before!"

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The ten Genin and their Chunin leader, known as the Konoha Eleven, walked through miles of open grassy fields. Shikamaru held a small map in one hand and a compass in the other.

"This place was built in the center of the five major shinobi nations," Shikamaru explained to his underlings. "Here, they hoped to receive business from all over the continent."

"Did it work?" asked Naruto.

"We'll find out in just a second," said Shikamaru as the building became visible. At the top of the building protruded the store's name: Walmartagakure. The eleven shinobi entered the automatic sliding door to see hundreds of people shopping, with checkout lines stretching far out into the aisles.

"Wow, this place is busy!" said Kiba.

"Why do they only have four of their thirty-seven registers open?" Choji wondered.

"You must be the help I recruited from the Leaf Village!" a man in a suit said to the Konoha Eleven. "My name is Walter Martin and I am the manager of this supercenter. Unfortunately, we're incredibly understaffed. You see, there've been so many people quitting, so many layoffs due to budget cuts, so many injuries, occasional deaths, and generally a team lacking in commitment and care in their jobs. They don't care about the company! They only care about themselves! That's why I hired ninjas! There's nobody more competent, more dedicated, more skilled when it comes to carrying out even the most difficult of tasks, than a ninja!"

"Yeah, sure," Shikamaru remarked. "Just tell us what to do and we'll get right to it."

"That's for you to decide," the man replied as he handed his keys over to Shikamaru. "From this moment forward, you are the manager of this store! I'm being promoted to district manager, which means I get to go to other stores and find things to complain about! I'll be back this afternoon to see how this store is doing! Bye!"

"Wait--!" Shikamaru shouted, but before he could say another word, the manager had run out the door. "I don't even know how to do this job!"

"It should be a piece of cake, Shikamaru!" said Naruto. "You're the manager, right? So just assign each of us a task that would be suitable to our abilities! Mine should be easy to pick! A ninja of my caliber deserves to be security!"

"Neji and Tenten will be security," said Shikamaru.

"Huh?" Naruto looked at Shikamaru.

"Neji's Byakugan allows him to see at 360 degrees over long distances and through objects and people. Once he sees a shoplifter, he will alert Tenten, whose skill with weaponry will be vital to catching the crooks without hurting them."

"Hurting them?! They deserve to be hurt!" said Naruto. "Just let me create a few shadow doppelgangers and they'll be so sore, they won't know--"

"That's a great way to earn this store a lawsuit, Naruto," Shikamaru interrupted. "All we need to do is stop them. Tenten can pin their clothes to the wall with kunai knives. If that doesn't work, I've always got my Shadow Possession Jutsu."

"Sounds like a good plan," said Tenten as she spun a kunai knife in her hand.

"This help wanted flyer tells us which positions are open," said Neji as he handed a piece of paper to Shikamaru. Shikamaru glanced the flyer up and down, then set it down and took his contemplation stance. The Genin all stared in anticipation as Shikamaru thought through what he had just read. Finally, after about a minute of pondering, he shifted to a normal stance. "All right, everybody, listen carefully as I am about to tell you your tasks. First, there's Naruto."

"All right, just tell me what to do and it's done!" said Naruto dramatically and confidently.

"You have cart duty."

"Cart duty?! Why that?!"

"The parking lot was covered with carts when we arrived. Your shadow doppelgangers will allow you to bring them in a lot faster than any other person here. More importantly, I'd like to keep you as far from the customers as possible. You'll give this company an even worse reputation than it has already."

"Hey! Take that back!" Naruto shouted, his eyes pure white and his face blood red.

"Next is you, Hinata."

"Oh!" Hinata gasped and blushed. "Me?"

"I'm assigning you to the self checkout. Since the self checkout cashier is required to monitor four registers simultaneously, only one who possesses the Byakugan can monitor all four at once and I need Neji for security as his job may be more dangerous. With your kekkei genkai, you'll be able to monitor any suspicious activity that a customer might attempt at the self checkout."

"Oh... ok..." said Hinata as she pushed her two index fingers together.

"Next is you, Kiba."

"Yeah, what is it you want me and Akamaru to do?"

"I'm assigning you to the deli. You and Akamaru have a keen sense of smell and would know when the food has reached precisely the right temperature for serving. Furthermore, you'll be able to sniff out any bad chemicals that might have gotten into the food or any moldy or out of date food."

"Sounds easy!" said Kiba. Akamaru followed it up with a bark of assurance.

"One more thing, though," Shikamaru continued, "keep Akamaru out of sight. I don't think the customers are going to be too thrilled about a dog working in the deli."

"Hey, I bathe Akamaru every single day!" exclaimed Kiba. "He's probably cleaner than most of the people who shop here!" Akamaru barked in offense at Shikamaru.

"Still, the customers would have a fit if they saw him. Anyway, on to Ino. This one is a no-brainer. I'm putting you in the floral department."

"All right! I'll be the greatest florist this store has ever known!" said Ino cheerfully.

"Choji..."

"Bakery? Seafood? Meat? I'll do any of those jobs!" Choji said excitedly as drool began to seep down from his bottom lip.

"I'm afraid I can't trust you in any department that deals with food," said Shikamaru. "I'm making you part of the stock crew."

"Can I start with the chip aisle?!" Choji begged.

"No. You can start with automotives, then move on to electronics, then clothing, then beer and wine. I'll have the employees who are already present stock any food-related items."

Choji's face turned black and blue as curved lines appeared above his head. He sighed as a small mushroom-shaped cloud exited his mouth. "All right then..."

"Very good. Now then: Shino!"

"Hm?"

"I'm making you the janitor. Your bugs should be able to pick up every crumb around the store. Like with Akamaru, though, make sure customers don't notice them."

Shino stared in blank silence, his sunglasses and coat collar hiding any emotion he might have otherwise displayed through his eyes and mouth. Finally, he said, "Ok."

"Lee, I know you'll do anything you're told by one of your superiors," said Shikamaru.

Lee stood straight with his arms to his sides. "Shikamaru, sir, I will obey your every order, sir!"

"As such, I'm giving you the most horrid job of all: cashier."

"C-cashier?"

"That's right. You have to deal with the assholes who shop here. The difference between them and the assholes you deal with on missions of a higher ranking is that you aren't allowed to slug anyone here. Besides your submissiveness, though, you are ideal for this job as your speed will allow you to scan and bag items faster than any of the rest of us could."

"Shikamaru, sir! If I cannot ring up 500 items in one minute, I will bag 1,000 items in thirty seconds!"

"Glad that's settled. I'll put you on the express lane."

"What about me?" asked Sakura. "What am I supposed to do?"

"You'll also be a cashier. Sorry, Sakura, but I need more cashiers and there are no other openings suited to your... talent."

"What he means is your lack thereof!" Ino joked.

"Ino!" Sakura shouted as steam came out of her ears.

"Sakura does have one talent that I must acknowledge," said Shikamaru as Sakura and Ino began to squabble. "She's a fast learner. She'll have no trouble learning how to operate the register efficiently. Same deal with Lee, actually."

"Do you hear that, Sakura-chan?" said Lee as hearts floated around his head. "We share something in common, an important quality in a good relationship!"

"No making out on the job, you two," Shikamaru quipped.

"What?!" Sakura freaked out. "There's nothing going on between that freak and me!"

Lee began to sulk as tears streamed down his face. "Sakura-chan... when will you return my love?"

"All right, we've wasted enough time," said Shikamaru. "Let's get to work! Places, everybody!"

"Right!" the ten Genin shouted as they darted to their positions.

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"Ok, so my job is to get carts. No problem!"

Naruto looked around the parking lot. Carts were strewn all about, most properly stowed in the corrals, but others loose throughout the lot, some of which were being blown by the wind into people's automobiles.

"I've never seen so many cars in my life! Konoha is so small that nobody there ever drives!"

Naruto examined the lot a little more, then took a deep breath as he prepared to do his duty.

"Kage bunshin no jutsu! Art of the Shadow Doppelganger!" he said as he focused his chakra. Several more Narutos appeared. "Spread out!" the real Naruto commanded. Without delay, Naruto and his clones ran around the parking lot retrieving carts, pushing them together, and rolling them toward the building.

"Watch out!" one clone shouted to another as his carts began to approach a moving car.

"I got 'em!" another clone shouted as he leaped in front of the carts and held them back with all his strength in order to avoid the car.

"It'd be nice if these people watched where they were driving!" exclaimed the clone who had been pushing the carts. "They have brakes! I don't!"

"Runaway cart at 3:00!" another clone shouted as he pointed to a cart that was rolling toward a car.

"It's only 12:30," another clone said. "I guess we can wait then, huh?"

"No, you idiot!" a third clone exclaimed. "That means it's level with us!"

"Well excuse me if I'm not a big know-it-all!" said the previous clone.

"Will you idiots stop fighting and catch that cart?!" yet another clone intervened.

With that, several clones began chasing after the runaway cart as it approached the unsuspecting Toyota.

"We won't make it in time!" a clone shouted.

"Toss me toward it!" said the real Naruto as he ran into the center of his clones. The clones grabbed Naruto by his ankle and tossed him as they had before. Naruto landed inside the cart and managed to steer it away from the car it was about to hit, but now it was headed for the highway. "Oh shit..." Naruto muttered. He then screamed as the cart rolled into the middle of the highway, cars swerving to avoid collision and blaring their horns. One driver slammed on his brakes as he approached the cart, but he was unable to completely avoid a collision. The impact caused Naruto's cart to roll downhill along the highway. Naruto held on tight to the sides of the cart as he screamed, sweat and tears flying from his face, his pupils gone and his mouth wide open.

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Sakura scanned items on her register as quickly and efficiently as possible. Her customer was a fat woman, who was buying five carts' worth of items.

"You must have a large family," said Sakura in an attempt to be polite.

"No, this is all for me," the fat woman replied. "I live alone! Men are jerks! That's why I eat all the time! Go on and say it: I'm fat!"

"Nah, you're not fat!"

"Oh, enough with the ass-kissing! You obviously think I'm fat! So does everyone else here!"

"There's nothing wrong with having a little meat on your bones."

"A little?! I probably show up on radar! When I fart, the weather forecaster gives it a human name!"

Sakura quietly continued scanning groceries. After a while, the fat woman shouted at her.

"50 yen? That was 40 yen! The sign said so!"

"Who cares about ten yen?!" the man behind her complained.

"I do! The sign said that was 40 yen!"

"I'll have somebody check the price," said Sakura with a fake smile as she began to sweat.

"That'll take forever!" the man whined. "I've been waiting in line for twenty minutes!"

"I'm sorry, sir," said Sakura.

"Oh, get over it, you impatient little bastard!" Inner Sakura shouted.

"Can't you just take my word for it that it's 40 yen?!" the fat woman yelled.

"Store policy requires me to perform a price check, ma'am," Sakura replied as she picked up the PA phone. "Customer service to register 13 please!" she spoke over the store intercom.

"You're calling me a liar, aren't you?" she complained. "It's because I'm black, isn't it?!"

Everyone around stared at the woman with beedy eyes and dumbfounded expressions. The woman was clearly Asian like Sakura.

"I... don't think you are, ma'am," said Sakura.

"Racist! Racist!"

"Can I help you?" asked Shikamaru as he approached the register.

"This woman is trying to overcharge me, then she starts racial profiling!"

"No!" said Sakura defensively. "The item rang up 50 yen, the customer said that it was 40 yen, and I said I would do a price check!"

"I oughta slug this bitch!" Inner Sakura shouted as she made a fist, her eyes burning while a vein bulged from her forehead.

"How is that racial profiling?" asked Shikamaru. "It's the store's policy to perform price checks when a customer claims that an item rang up the wrong price. Furthermore, why would Sakura profile her own race?"

"That's it! I'm calling my lawyer and having this whole store shut down!" said the fat woman as she walked out the door, leaving her groceries behind.

"Aw crap," said Shikamaru. "Well, Sakura, void this order off. I'll have to get Naruto to do go-backs."

Moans were heard coming from the long line of people at Sakura's register.

"Sorry for the inconvenience, folks," said Shikamaru. "I suggest that everyone with orders of ten items or less seek out the express lane."

The customers looked at the express lane's line, which was far longer than any other line in the store. The customers all gasped in horror. They then noticed the line move. Before long, the line moved again, and yet again.

"This line may be long," one of the customers in the line said to the customers in Sakura's line, "but the cashier is amazing! I've never seen someone scan groceries so rapidly!"

"If I cannot bag 1,000 items in thirty seconds, I will put 'Paid' stickers on 2,000 non-baggable items in fifteen seconds!" said Lee as he rapidly scanned and bagged items, then placed bags in customers' carts. "Your total is 5,482 yen!"

"Keep it up, Lee," Shikamaru said with a smile of satisfaction.

"I only have 200 yen on me," the customer replied.

Every customer in line simultaneously let out a loud groan of annoyance.

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Hinata stood in the center of the self checkout registers, then focused her chakra. "Byakugan!" she exclaimed as veins began to bulge from her barely visible light blue eyes and from the skin directly surrounding her eyes. With this technique, Hinata was able to monitor all the registers at the same time and help customers with their needs. It was not long before she noticed a customer having trouble scanning items. "You have to scan the barcode, sir."

"What's a barcode?" asked the man, who had a country accent.

"It's the black lines with numbers underneath."

"Where? I don't see it!"

"Right there, sir," said Hinata as she pointed it out.

"This thing?" The man pointed to the barcode as well.

"Yes, that thing," Hinata replied, trying to keep calm despite the man's overwhelming stupidity.

"So you want me to point it at the scanner?"

"That's right."

Finally, the man scanned the item and placed it in the bag.

"Do I do the same thing with the next item?"

"Yes sir," said Hinata, starting to get bored with the man.

"And the one after that?"

"Yes, and the one after that, and the one after that, and so forth and so on." It was rare for Hinata to show any sign of sarcasm, but even her patience had a limit.

"Warning! Meltdown sequence in progress!" Hinata heard a feminine voice from another register say. She focused on the register and wondered how such a thing was possible.

"What did I do wrong?" the man at the register said in an idiotic voice.

"I'm not sure!" Hinata said panicked, trying not to cry. "I was distracted with another customer! I... help!"

"Call for customer service," a female customer suggested.

"I..."

"Go on, there's a PA phone right over there." The woman pointed to the nearby phone.

"I'm a..."

"What's the matter?"

"I'm afraid of people hearing my voice over the intercom!"

"Oh for God's sake!" a nearby man shouted. "Call for customer service before I call them myself!"

"I'm sorry, sir!" Hinata said as beeds of sweat shot from all over her face. She slowly picked up the phone and placed it to her mouth. "Um... c-customer..." Everyone in the store looked up at the intercom confused at the shyness of the speaker. "Customer service to, uh... Register... I'm sorry, uh... customer service to, uh... the Self Checkout please!" Hinata quickly hung up the phone and flinched.

"No need to be so shy about talking over the intercom, Hinata," said Shikamaru as he approached. "Now what seems to be the problem?"

Hinata pointed to the register, which was now steaming and shaking.

"What the hell?!" Shikamaru exclaimed.

"I don't know what happened! I was helping a customer at another register and I don't know how this happened!"

"This is great! Just great!" Shikamaru picked up his head set and pushed a button on it, creating staticky sounds. "Neji, come to the self checkout immediately!"

Within a flash, Neji arrived at the self checkout. "You called?"

"Get rid of this thing! It's a ticking time bomb!" Shikamaru panicked.

"At once!" Without hesitating, Neji lifted the register and darted out the door, then threw it upward where it exploded, creating a fireworks show that received the applause of everyone in the parking lot. The applause ceased once debris began to fall from the sky, which caused a great deal of panic. "Byakugan!" Neji shouted as the veins in and around his eyes, like those of Hinata before him, began to bulge. Neji then leaped from car roof to car roof, shattering each piece of debris with the palm of his hand. "Eight Trigrams! Sixty-Four Palms! ... Two Palms! ... Four Palms! ... Eight Palms! ... Sixteen Palms! ... Thirty-Two Palms! ... Sixty-Four Palms!" Neji panted heavily when he looked around and noticed that his feet had made dents in the roofs of the cars he had jumped upon. "Well, shit." Shortly thereafter, the bulk of the register landed on top of a nearby car as one large piece of debris, setting off the car's alarm. Neji looked around nervously, then ran back inside the store.

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"Sir, I just got some chicken from your deli a little while ago," a man said to Kiba at the deli counter, "and when I looked at it, it was covered in hair. The manager said I could exchange it for a clean case of chicken."

"Sure thing, sir," replied Kiba. "I just got through frying up a fresh batch." Kiba walked over to the fryer and removed the strainer from the cooking oil to reveal Akamaru covered in a fried breading sitting in the fryer. "Akamaru! What were you doing in the fryer?!"

"Is that a dog?!" the customer panicked.

Before Kiba could respond, Akamaru began eating his way out of the coating. He then coughed up a chicken bone, which he began gnawing on.

"Is that your dog?!"

"He's not so bad," said Kiba. Just then, Akamaru began urinating through the strainer and into the fryer. "Akamaru! Bad dog!"

"Oh my god! This place is just... oh my god! I'm calling the health inspector right now!"

"Wait, sir, we're handling the problem right now!" Kiba begged. "In exchange, we'll give you a full refund! Hell, we'll even double your money!"

"Don't try to patronize me! This is an outrage!"

The man pulled out his cell phone and began dialing. Before he could hit Send, however, he noticed that he was getting farther away from the deli counter.

"What the hell? Is the floor below me moving?" The man looked down to see several beetles carrying him away. "Holy shit! This place is just one big pest problem!"

"The biggest pest here is you," said Shino, whose arms were extended, allowing more bugs to flow from his sleeves. The bugs began to crawl up the customer's body and eat away at his cell phone. The man screamed in terror as he was shoved into one of the freezers. Shino then lodged a crobar under the freezer's handles, then he placed a curtain over the freezer case along with a sign that read "Out of Order."

"Wow, Shino," said Kiba. "Don't you think that was pushing it a bit far?"

"Our mission would have ended in failure had he squealed," Shino replied.

"Yeah, but... they're going to discover him sooner or later."

"We'll be long gone with our paychecks by then. We can just blame one of the other employees here."

There was a brief silence, then Kiba finally said, "It's also just plain wrong."

"It is essential to complete each mission by any means necessary."

"You're not completing the mission! You're covering up disaster!"

"To save you, that is. You should be grateful."

Kiba stood in silence for a moment longer, then finally said, "You sure do have strange ways."

"So I do."

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"Oh man, I can't stand this!" whined Choji as he stocked up the car oil in the automotives department of the store. "I'm almost tempted to... drink the oil!" Choji shook his head. "Snap to your senses, Choji! Maybe I could just... sneak off and get some chips..." Choji looked left, right, forward, backward, and even upward to make sure no one was watching him. He then tiptoed through the store, being careful not to be caught wandering about. Slowly, Choji made his way to the chip aisle, at which time he grabbed a bag of potato chips, opened the bag, and was about to eat the first chip when he heard a girl shout at him.

"Choji, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" asked Ino as she grabbed the chip and the bag from Choji.

"Ino?! How'd you find me?!"

"I saw you sneaking off! You went past the floral department! Not only are you eating on the job, but you're stealing!"

"Stealing?! No way!" said Choji. "I was going to pay for those... later!"

"You shouldn't be slacking off anyway! This is why Shikamaru assigned you to all the non-food departments!"

"You just don't get what it's like to be a glutton!" Choji cried, tears streaming from each of his eyes. "All I can think about is food! I just want to eat all the time! I can't go five minutes without a bite of something! I sure as hell can't work without constantly digesting food! A skinny girl like you could never understand!"

"You're such a pain in the ass, Choji," Ino sighed.

"Hey, a little service here!" a customer shouted angrily from the floral counter.

"Sorry, sir!" said Ino as she approached the counter. "I was giving a lecture to one of my co-workers!"

"I don't want excuses! I want flowers, god damn it! I have a date tonight and I want everything to be fucking perfect! I want my girlfriend to see what a fucking gentleman I am!" The man then belched in Ino's face, which turned green.

"Well," Ino said, trying to stomach the odor, "for a date, I would suggest roses. They're standard for love."

"Yeah, whatever, you're a girl, you understand these things better than I do, just hurry up, will ya? My date is in three hours!"

"I'm pretty sure that's enough time, isn't it?" Ino remarked.

"Don't make me go to your manager, bitch!"

"You keep that attitude up and you're going to get dumped before your date's even begun!" Ino shouted. "How did you manage to get a date anyway?!"

"It's a blind date! We met on eHarmony!"

"Well she'd have to be blind to not see that you're a total waste of a person!"

"Women should never sass back!" the man shouted as he smacked Ino in the face.

Ino turned her head back toward the man, fire burning in her eyes, as she wiped the blood from her lip. "You picked the wrong girl to fuck with," she said. She then drew eight flowers, four in each hand, and tossed them like kunai thorn first at the man, stabbing both of his eyes, both of his nipples, both of his knees, and both of his testicles. Ino then looked around and noticed that several customers had witnessed the event. Ino put her hand behind her head and laughed nervously while blushing. She then stuffed the man's body under the floral counter.

"Want to call it even, Ino?" asked Choji.

"Sure, why not?" Ino replied as she returned Choji's bag of chips and he began chowing away.

-------------------------------------

Neji stood in the center of the store's front end, his Byakugan active. It was not long before he noticed a shady man in a large trenchcoat performing suspicious activity. The man was looking around cautiously. Neji activated his Byakugan's x-ray vision in order to observe the contents of the man's jacket. Inside, he saw several DVDs, CDs, and other electronic items. Neji pressed the button on his headset, creating a staticky noise, as he spoke into the microphone.

"Tenten, we have a code blue," he said. "East door. Large brown trenchcoat."

"Got it, Neji," Tenten's voice replied through the speakers.

The man walked toward the exit only for the theft alarms to sound. He began to walk faster when he was nailed to the wall by a kunai knife.

"Sir, I'll have to check your pockets. Company policy."

"I didn't steal anything!" he shouted. "Is this any way to treat a customer?!"

Without saying a word, Tenten reached for the man's pocket to check its contents when he transformed into a log.

"What?!" Tenten gasped. "He's able to use the Substitution Jutsu?!"

"Behind you!" the man shouted as he lunged at Tenten with a kunai knife in tow. Before he could make contact with her, however, he suddenly came to an abrupt stop. Tenten flinched, but then opened her eyes to see the man's shadow caught within Shikamaru's Shadow Possession Jutsu.

"Shikamaru! Just in time!" said Tenten in relief.

"My body! I can't move a muscle!" said the man in the trenchcoat.

"I suggest you cooperate the next time someone asks to check the contents of your person," said Shikamaru, who opened his hand, causing the shoplifter to do the same with his hand, thus dropping the kunai knife. "Of course, the fact that you wouldn't cooperate suggests that you were guilty of theft, as if the alarms sounding or the fact that my security guard Neji saw stolen merchandise in your jacket with his x-ray vision weren't also dead giveaways. Now then... Tenten, you may begin confiscating the contents of his trenchcoat."

Tenten nodded and began removing the stolen items.

"Hey, that watch is mine!" the man shouted.

"Not anymore it isn't!" Tenten said with a grin.

"Why you little!"

"All right, is that everything?" asked Shikamaru. "Now then... out the door with you. I'm letting you off easy this time, but don't show your face here again." Shikamaru then walked back toward the store's front end, causing the shoplifter to walk out the door and into the parking lot. Once the man was out of the store, Shikamaru released his Shadow Possession technique. "Idiot..."

-------------------------------------

"I must be miles from Walmartagakure by now!" Naruto whined as his cart continued to roll down the highway. Finally, the front left wheel hit a pot hole, sending Naruto flying out of the cart and face first into a telephone pole. With a red pole-shaped mark on his face, Naruto fell backward. His eyebrow twitched a few times as he lay in a daze. Finally, he stood up and squinted his eyes. "I've got to get back to the store now!" Naruto began to form hand signs, but then ended up holding his hand up and pointing his thumb outward. "Taxi... cab... jutsu?"

A cab pulled up and rolled down its window. "You need ride?" asked the driver, who had a Puerto Rican accent, quite an oddity for a location that's probably Japan.

"Yes, please," said Naruto. "To Walmartagakure please!"

Naruto hopped inside the cab and it drove off toward the store.

"And just charge the cab to them too! After all, I'm there on business!"

"Can do," the driver replied.

Naruto looked outside at the scenery of wrecked cars that had swerved in order to avoid a collision with his cart. "Wow, I sure made a mess of things here, didn't I?" Naruto said blushing and scratching the back of his head.

-------------------------------------

Neji stood on the roof of Walmartagakure, his Byakugan still active, as he watched for any suspicious activity. Far into the distance, he saw a crowd of people hiding idly among the trees, as if waiting for a chance to make an ambush. Neji kept a close watch on this group, ready to alert Shikamaru and Tenten at a moment's notice.

"We make our move... now," said the man at the front of the crowd. All of the people present wore ninja headbands with bullseye logos on them.

The ninjas leaped out of the forest and ran toward the building at incredible speed. Neji prepared to react when he was suddenly blinded by the flash of a light bomb.

"Release!" Neji declared, undoing his Byakugan so as to lessen the impact of the flash on his eyes. He then reached for his headset to call for backup. "Shikamaru, Tenten, come in! We've got an ambush!"

Neji's warning was not timely enough as the enemy shinobi began breaking in through the windows, tossing kunai with paper bombs all about the store and destroying tons of merchandise.

"What the hell's going on here?!" Shikamaru demanded of the ninja.

"We are shinobi of Targetagakure," the leader informed. "We have been sent by our village to destroy our rival, Walmartagakure! No more will you dominate the retail business!"

Shikamaru drew a kunai. "Sakura, call the others up front! Lee, Hinata, Tenten, back me up!"

Sakura picked up the PA phone and made an announcement across the store: "Attention all Konoha shinobi! Please come up front to kick some ass!" Upon hearing the announcement, several parents covered their children's ears.

-------------------------------------

"Byakugan!" Hinata activated her Byakugan and began to look more fierce. She then stood in a battle stance as she prepared to fend off the Targetagakure shinobi. "Hyuga style! Gentle Fist!" Using her open palms, she began smacking all enemy shinobi around her, knocking them into freezer cases, displays, and entire shelves. One man was flung into the "Out of Order" freezer, releasing the man who had been locked inside.

"I'm free! Now I'm really going to have this place shut down! But first, I have to let my family know I'm all ri--" Before he could say another word, he was struck in the neck by a kunai and he fell over.

"Mommy, I want some candy," a kid said to his mother.

"Not today, sweetie," his mom replied.

"But mommy!" the kid whined.

"She said no, you little brat!" Hinata screamed at the kid while shaking him, causing the kid to cry even more.

"Hey, put him down!" one of the Targetagakure shinobi said to Hinata. Hinata did so, then smacked the enemy shinobi into one of the three remaining self checkout registers, which fell backwards.

"You picked the wrong time of the month to mess with me!" Hinata screamed.

"Whoa... who would've thought she had it in her?" an astonished Shikamaru said to Lee, Tenten, and Sakura.

Shikamaru turned his head just slightly to see a Targetagakure shinobi preparing to throw a kunai with a paper bomb at Hinata. As he began to swing his arm, he found himself unable to move. Looking down, he found himself caught in the Shadow Possession Jutsu.

"Did you all just come here without any knowledge of your opponents?" Shikamaru asked. "You obviously don't know anything about our jutsu. You seem like generic thugs to me, with only basic hit-and-run strategies. Rather than strategize, you just throw kunai knives around."

"Defeating you is not our goal. Causing as much damage as possible to this store is our goal. For a mission like this, reclessness is the way to go!"

"Yes, well... I should probably point out that your paper bomb is about to go off at any minute."

The Targetagakure shinobi looked down to see that his paper bomb was indeed about to wither away into nothing. Just as it did, Shikamaru released the Shadow Possession Jutsu, preventing him from feeling the damage that his previously captive victim would soon feel. The bomb exploded, blowing off the man's hand.

"My arm! My fucking arm!" the man cried in agony. He then looked around himself to see that he was in the automotive industry. "Oh shit..." The nearby canisters of oil, which were now on fire, soon began to explode one right after the other, obliterating the entire automotive department of the store and killing several Targetagakure shinobi in the process.

"It's getting dangerous here," said Shikamaru. "Sakura, Tenten, try to evacuate as many people as you can!"

The two kunoichi nodded and began running around the store trying to evacuate customers. Shikamaru and Lee then proceeded to fend off as many shinobi as possible using weaponry and taijutsu.

-------------------------------------

"Fang Over Fang!" Kiba shouted as he and a transformed Akamaru whirled their way through several Targetagakure shinobi. One shinobi then snuck up on Kiba from behind and grabbed him by the arms. Kiba then leaped backwards and dipped his enemy into the fryer oil. Akamaru then set the fryer to its maximum temperature, burning the Targetagakure shinobi to a crisp. Kiba then removed what remained of the ninja's arms off of himself and tossed them into the fryer as well.

Shino held his arms out and released hoards of bugs, who consumed all nearby Targetagakure shinobi around him. One shinobi pulled out a paper bomb, but before he could attach it to a kunai knife, Shino created a rope of bugs and used it to swing the shinobi into the fryer. "I suggest we depart," said Shino to Kiba and Akamaru. The two nodded as they reverted to their normal forms and ran off with Shino and his bugs. The Targetagakure shinobi, now free from the bugs' grip, wondered why their opponents suddenly decided to flee. Before they could react, the fryer exploded, sending boiling hot chicken grease flying into all of the shinobi's faces.

-------------------------------------

Ino and Choji rushed to the front end to answer Sakura's call for help. Choji was still snacking on potato chips the whole while.

"Choji, have you been eating on the job?!" asked Shikamaru.

"Shikamaru, you of all people should know me well enough to know that I can't go more than five--"

"Ok, whatever!" said Shikamaru. "Just help us out here!"

"I can't find where this bottle of wine goes!" said Choji as he held up a large glass bottle tinted blue.

"Don't worry about that right now! Just set it down and help us fight!"

"Ok, fine," said Choji as he set the bottle down. He then took a fighting stance. "Human Boulder!" Choji expanded into a large spherical shape, then rolled toward a line of shinobi, making the sound of a bowling ball. Upon crashing into the Targetagakure shinobi, they all scattered, making the sound of pins being knocked down.

-------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Lee's taijutsu proved effective in taking down multiple shinobi in terms of both speed and strength. One Targetagakure shinobi began to get really fed up with Lee's inability to wear out that he grabbed the nearby bottle of wine that Choji had set down and ran at Lee with it.

"Lee, behind you!" Ino shouted.

Lee turned his head around just in time to witness the bottle of wine being smacked in his face. The bottle shattered and Lee fell on his back, blood and wine covering his face as pieces of glass became lodged in his skin. The other Leaf shinobi gasped at Lee's misfortune. The Targetagakure shinobi smirked at having taken Lee down so easily. He then watched as a drop of the wine rolled down Lee's face and into his mouth. Deciding to finish Lee off, the Targetagakure shinobi lunged at Lee's heart with the broken end of what remained of the wine bottle. Lee, his eyes still closed, managed to block the attack with his feet, then flip upward and fling the wine bottle out of his opponent's hands. As he came to the ground, he punched the living daylights out of his opponent.

"My face! You ruined my pretty face!" a drunken Lee whined as he stumbled to keep his balance, his eyelids drooping.

"He's using the Loopy Fist!" a nearby enemy shinobi exclaimed.

"Loopy Fist? The hell is that? You look like a stupid!" said Lee.

"There are kids present in the store," the shinobi replied, "therefore we call it Loopy Fist because we don't want to push alcohol onto children."

"Censors piss me off!" Lee said as he socked the shinobi.

"I prefer to call it the Potion Punch," another Targetagakure shinobi stated. Lee then socked him as well.

"No, you idiots! Potion Punch? That's like a beverage that you drink with your mouth!" Lee hiccupped. "I'm using the... Drunken Fist!" Lee tried to take a fighting stance but kept stumbling left and right.

"Get him!" one of the remaining Targetagakure shinobi shouted as they all ran toward Lee. Lee dodged every punch, kick, and kunai knife that was thrown his way without even trying. He countered each attack with one of his own, which not only made contact but knocked out its target with a single blow. Before long, there was an entire pile of unconscious bodies surrounding Lee. "Is that all you dodo birds got? If so, I'm gonna take a nap now!" Lee dropped backwards, closed his eyes, and began snoring. His allies watched with beedy eyes and teardrops on their heads.

-------------------------------------

Back outside, Neji, no longer blinded, was fending off as many enemy shinobi as he could with his Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms.

"Eight Trigrams! Rotation!" Neji shouted as he spun around to create a barrier of chakra to protect himself from a barrage of kunai knives that were thrown at him. "Where is Naruto? He shouldn't have left the parking lot!"

Just then, a taxi cab pulled up and Naruto exited. The cab then drove off as Naruto ran up to Neji.

"Hey, Neji, did I miss anything?" Naruto asked.

"In case you can't already see," said Neji, "we're under attack right now! Rotation!" Once again, Neji spun around to deflect a barrage of kunai knives, protecting both himself and Naruto this time. "I think they should be ok inside, but I'm trying to prevent more from entering the store and they just keep coming!"

"Wow, it seems Targetagakure employees are more dedicated to their work than Walmartagakure employees!" said Naruto. "Anyway, leave the rest to me! I'll match their numbers!" Naruto focused his chakra and shouted, "Kage bunshin no jutsu! Art of the Shadow Doppelganger!"

Hundreds of Narutos appeared. Each one took on one of the Targetagakure shinobi using nothing but taijutsu. Once the number of enemy shinobi was cut down to half, each Naruto paired up with another Naruto in order to power up the Rasengan. Half of the clones disappeared afterwards while the remaining clones, as well as the real Naruto, charged at the remaining shinobi with their Rasengans, spinning them all into oblivion. Sakura and Tenten evacuated the remaining customers as Shikamaru and Ino carried a passed out Lee out of the building on their shoulders. They were soon followed by Choji, Shino, Kiba with Akamaru, and Hinata.

"All right, now we just have to finish off those who are left in the building!" said Shikamaru.

"Leave it to me!" said Choji as he popped out one of the Akimichi clan's pills.

"Choji, what are you doing?!" Shikamaru panicked.

Choji ate the large yellow pill and his chakra began to power up. "Super Expansion Jutsu!" Choji grew exponentially until he was bigger than the store itself. He then body slammed the store into a pile of rubble. Afterwards, he powered back down into normal Choji. One of Shino's bugs crawled out from underneath the rubble carrying a potato chip, which Choji then grabbed and ate. "Mine!"

Shikamaru looked in astonishment at the horrible mess that was left of Walmartagakure. "This is bad," was all he could say.

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"Shikamaru, eversince the destruction of Walmartagakure," said Tsunade, who sat behind her desk in the Hokage's office, "small businesses have regained a niche in the market. The economy is thriving and communities are being reborn, all thanks to yet another reclessly carried out mission."

"So... does that mean I did good?" Shikamaru asked, shaking and sweating.

"To most people, you did," Tsunade replied. "However, the Leaf Village is now being sued out the ass by the owners of the Walmartagakure corporation! We're having to sell bonds! It's going to take a lot of volunteer work to pay off your debt, Shikamaru!"

"So... does this mean--?"

"That's right." Tsunade held up a toilet brush. "It's academy janitorial duty for you!"

"Oh man! This is such a drag!" Shikamaru's head drooped.

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Shikamaru mopped the floor of the men's restroom in the Konoha Academy, sighing in misery the entire time.

"Well, I suppose this beats the last mission," he said.

Just then, Choji left one of the stalls and walked towards the door.

"Choji?! What are you doing here?!" asked Shikamaru.

"I volunteered to help Iruka teach taijutsu classes," Choji replied. "It's my way of paying off the debt we owe Walmartagakure."

"How come your punishment is so much lighter than mine?!"

"By the way, the toilet's clogged. Bye!" With that, Choji ran out the door.

"Wh--what did you say?!" Shikamaru peered into the stall Choji had just left. He then turned back around and covered his mouth, his face green. A message then appeared onscreen reading "Please Stand By" with Gamakichi, Gamatatsu, Pakkun, and Tonton in the corners. In the background, vomiting noises could be heard.

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THE END


End file.
